Now I have time to stalk your mom

illustration friday - swell

2011-08-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

Deep beneath the Ocean's swell...

I was going to write a poem about mermaids here, but then I didn't.

would you look at that...

2011-03-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm alive! I guess its time to start drawing again...

Well Crap

2008-11-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

So my laptop ate it. It was b.s.o.d.ing twice a day for a while and it finally just flipped out and decided Windows was corrupted. We had to reinstall windows and I lost everything including photoshop and illustrator. It's running okay now except that every once in a while it freezes and I have to restart because it won't unfreeze.

I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping my lappy running right now is my sheer force of will. OMG LAPPY DON'T LEAVE ME! I'LL BE LOST WITHOUT YOU!

Here's a doodle done in MS Paint. Its of me reacting to the loss of everything on my laptop.

For the voters in California

2008-10-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

Hold on a second while I get political.

A couple years ago I got married. The wedding was beautiful and perfect and best of all no one had to vote beforehand on whether or not my fiance and I were allowed to be together in that capacity.

no on prop 8

illustration friday - Repair

2008-10-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've killed three mice this week. The one I'm using right now is so crappy and twitchy that I had to do another drawing by hand. Like a caveman.

illustration friday - Strings

2008-10-11T18:03:00.001-07:00

Venus of Willendorf in a string bikini anyone?

Can you believe I actually drew something by hand this week? And that it was this awesome?

Illustration Friday - Sugary

2008-10-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

This friday I've decided to pay tribute to my favorite sugary Halloween treats. Mmm, caramel apples just like Mom used to make... right before she lost custody. Click to embiggen if you dare.

Tidbit of Wisdom

2008-10-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

You know what I'm talking about. Don't act like you don't.

I didn't do a drawing for illustration friday this week. The word was "packed" and the only thing I could think of was Will Shatner's giant bulbous face which, to me, looks like a vaguely human shaped raw summer sausage which has been packed too full off spiced meats and is about to burst. I had some trouble drawing that.

illustration friday - clique

2008-09-20T16:52:00.001-07:00

This clique really knows how to swing. *cue rim shot*

McBitter

2008-09-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

This is how I summed up my Mcjob in an email to a friend:

"My job is so so terrible and degrading that I'd rather show old men my breasts for nickels then work there another day. If I gave out three dollar tug jobs behind the chevron and let homeless guys pee on me for quarters I'd feel a thousand times more respected and valued as a human being then I as I do at this job."

World, get your quarters ready!

Cthulhu Island

2008-09-13T22:40:00.001-07:00

Experience the murky yellow waters and sultry yellow skies of exotic Cthulhu Island. Blissful insanity and tunneling brainworms await you atop Cthulhu's magical stain-resistant top hat. Once you set your gaze upon Chulhu Island you'll want to rip out your own eyes, chew out your own tongue, and eat medical waste ~~rather then ever leave.~~

Click to embiggen, if you dare. This one is large.

employment

2008-09-10T18:37:00.001-07:00

Why is my beautiful lady-head in a box of fries?

I have a McJob. Guess where. No, really.

It's a relief to be employed again. You can only hide under a blanket with your fingers in your ears going "LALALALA" for so long before all the people you owe money to get fed up with being resonable and polite and go straight to repossesing your face with a sack of oranges.

Job Recap

Minimum wage
Hat/Visor
Ill Fitting Uniform
Would you like fries with your fries?

Clutter

2008-09-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

PSA: If you have any more then zero of these porcelain figurines, then you have too many.

Flickr

2008-09-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

I got myself a flickr account. Right now I just have some paintings uploaded as well as one picture of that guy I married with that dog we have. It's here if you want to look or comment or stalk me or whatever.

Always put salt in your eyes

2008-08-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

For IF the word was memory, which made me think of this Kids in the Hall sketch which, you know, inspired my salty eye illustration. Duh.

...

I'm sorry about the "Duh" earlier. It was totally uncalled for and I apologize. I'm just a little cranky because I couldn't find anyone willing to pose for this drawing so I had to pour salt in my own eyes and then look in the mirror really fast and try to sketch it out before the mind-flaying, eye-watering, throw-up-on-the-dog-pain set in.

But I'm fine. Really. Don't worry about me. Or write me poems. Or buy me things.

My husband can't grow one

2008-08-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

Dearly Departed Marcos,

You had the greatest beard in the world. It was vaguely Amish in style, always neatly trimmed, and not at all attached to a hideous mustache. The world would be a better place if there were more beards like yours.

Continue resting in peace, though if you have the time and if you wouldn't mind, please have a ghostly chat with my husband's facial hair and see if you can get it on the right track.

Toodles,
Amy

IF-Routine

2008-08-24T00:18:00.001-07:00

The ~~crazier~~ older you get, the more pills you have to take.

You also lamppost the dog fritters yellow scum parade. Run run.

Incidentally, has anyone seen my pills?

Working vs. Not Working

2008-08-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

I think this sums it up pretty well.

It's hard not to loathe yourself when you can't even get a job flipping burgers.

Current Job Status: Applied for ten, interviewed for one, yet somehow more unemployed then ever before

Detach

2008-08-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

Hopefully she's wishing for greater lung capacity... or a new outfit... or a smaller head.

The original dandilion close up. Isn't it the most bor-mazing* thing you've ever seen? The answer is YES IT IS.

And the shoes just because I love them. So. Much.

*Bormazing: (bor-may-zing) adjective

The act or process of causing an amazing amout of boredom
Your mother

Sail

2008-08-11T23:20:00.001-07:00

Amy tried to sail

the sky’s tableau,

alas, she fell out

an hour ago.

For Illustration Friday. I had too many ideas this week, none of them were really shit-your-pants awesome or groundbreaking but I like what I did anyway so stop judging me!

Concept art! None of which involves a baloon or a super fantastic poem but there is a bolo hat full of turnips for you to enjoy. I know I enjoyed it.

Poof Goes The Dodo

2008-08-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

The magnificent and imposing Dodo was best known for its ruthlessness and cunning. It was the most feared of all the flightless birds and the most deadly. Rumored to be involved in organized crime, the Dodo opened up a chain of swanky night-clubs that only the most exclusive clientele could get into.

The Dodo and the nightclubs disappeared shortly after the Dodo was accused of tax evasion and racketeering leaving behind a legacy of fear and short stubby widdle wings.

POOF!

Dream With Me

2008-07-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

I applied for four jobs last week.

You ever have one of those dreams where you're a hastily drawn hand/wrist combo being sliced open by a pizza cutter in a bright pink pizza parlor which may or may not be located in the bowels of hell but you can't leave because you have bills to pay and you know once its all over you'll get that sweet, sweet, minimum wage check which will be just barely enough for you to fill up your tank and drive off the nearest bridge?

Me neither.

Canned

2008-07-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

Canned! Concept art (with dirty words) included to show off my mad drawing skills.
Why yes, I did major in art... *cries*

P.S. Only losers use keyboards with keys.

Leap

2008-07-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

Another illustration for the word "enough"

She probably jumped because she's had enough of your face. Burn.

(Notice how the cliff has not one, not two, but THREE colors. That is so many colors.)

This Gnome Has Had Enough

2008-07-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

For Illustration Friday again. The word was "Enough"

This Lawn Gnome has had enough of bees and their filthy pollination.

As always, click to embiggen.

Foggy

2008-07-11T16:13:00.001-07:00

It's Friday again! You know what that means? I'm ~~wasting my life~~ drawing! Click for the embiggening.

I included my original concept sketch to show off my awesome drawing skills. Can you believe the bunny was originally a cat? What was I thinking?

Guess Franz

2008-07-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

As a kid it was always hard to talk my older brother into playing board games with me for a few reasons.

Board games were not video games
I was not a video game
When we played “Guess Who” I always picked Franz

Whiskey Sour

2008-07-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

For Illustration Friday
The word was "Sour"

The fonts are SpeedBall and HamburgerHeaven both downloaded from dafont and the recipe is from here.

:p

Water on Mars

2008-07-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

I made this yesterday for a competition in which I had to make packaging or an ad for water bottled on Mars.

Done in Illustrator and not taken too seriously. The original bottle I designed looked like a butt-plug. This one looks slightly less like a butt-plug.

Current Job Status: Prospects bleak

Fierce Kitten is Fierce

2008-06-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

My first ever entry for Illustration Friday.

Rawr.

Bad idea # 895

2008-06-28T01:12:00.000-07:00

The day before yesterday I decided that I should write a children's book. I mean, I don't know any kids, I don't work with kids, and I don't particularly like kids, but writing a children's book seemed like my calling that day.

It went really well for the first few minutes. I had an outline, characters, and the entire plot sussed out and everything. By the time I had finished writing it it was 2/3rds of a page long and about 50% curse words.

Then I tried to illustrate it and somehow ended up playing virtual poker for a few hours. So far the book has not illustrated itself but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Current Job Status: I almost got an application today. Really.

Mistake one

2008-06-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

Who would have guessed that jobs would be hard to find for an unmotivated, unambitious, art major? I know I'm shocked as hell.

The first job I got after I received my degree was bagging groceries, which was actually a lot more fun then it sounds, though I don't know what kind of job I expected to get with an AA.

Jobs I'd like to have:

Merkin designer
Photo retoucher for desperately ugly singles
Pizza box furniture creator

Jobs I've had:

Food Service
Grocery Bagger
Retail Slave

Current Job Status: Funemplyed

Watch me as I try to improve the quality of my life through video games fast food and six hour naps.

-A